Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hippo gnu deer
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
