ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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