He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
