Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So drunk its hurt
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
