I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
