Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You don't make any sense
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