Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
