"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
