I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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