it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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