its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
