Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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