At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We named our party play list daddy issues
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
