She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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