My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
