there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
