i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
