Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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