actually, I'm a sock model
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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