when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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