nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
