I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
