I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
