i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
