A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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