if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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