Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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