Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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