today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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