I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
