Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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