If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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