hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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