I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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