Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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