hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
