I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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