Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
