i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
