I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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