a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
