I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
