My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
