I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
