Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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