I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have post one night stand depression
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
