So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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