Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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