yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
