I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
