I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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