my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So squirting runs in the family.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
